Growing pains

His little hand would encircle mine and he would plead with the deepest blue eyes, “I wanna hold you, I wanna hold you.” Now those same eyes can slice through my heart with the most hateful glare or tone and declare any question an inquisition or invasion into his privacy. Yes you guessed it I have a 16-year-old son who is living under the same roof.

After a particularly difficult day I took solace in my younger son Jack and hugged and pleaded with him, “Jack can you please not hate me when you are 16?” He laughed and replied, “Tom does not hate you because he is 16, he despises you because he is 16.” Out of the mouth of babes.

At one time he was moon and stars what orbited my Mommy Planet. We went everywhere in our jogging stroller and wagon. I was lucky enough to have 5 years with just my Tom before another sibling came along. There were many little golden moments with my Tom in Michigan and Minnesota and even in Kansas. Farmer’s Markets and the garden were special places for the 2 of us. In Michigan we had a large lot on a Biological Station where I planted numerous gardening experiments. Tom would roam the garden eating fresh peas from the vines pulling weeds or what he thought were weeds and happily watering the plants and me. He would throw the zucchini dog toys after a disastrous miscalculation and over production of 8 zucchini plants.  With the zucchini logs that were produced from this mistake, I could have constructed a small addition to our home. Instead Tom used them to entertain the 2 beautiful chocolate labs.

Our time together as best buddies making homemade pizza dough and cooking from the fruits of our labor was our golden age. Walking to Har Mar Mall and Como Park and its attractions are memories that I treasure and will carry me through the tough teen years.

As with all Golden ages there must also be Dark Ages to go through. I know that the time spent with my fair-haired little Tom helped make him a kind and confident young man. Growing apart is a natural process and if he was a clingy Momma’s boy I would be disappointed in myself for not making him independent enough to strike out and be free from my apron strings.

Tom is a charming young man and I know will be a fine warm adult male who will be a wonderful husband, father and a most loving son but the transition to my little guy and my man is a tough and bumpy road that is more heartbreaking than I expected. It maybe because we spent so much time together and he was such a desired child that his mutiny from my ship is so painful and heartbreaking. I called him my ¼ of million-dollar miracle baby and it is just so naïve of to me to think that this was going to be a smooth process. Nothing about him has ever been all that smooth or easy. (This process is again another blog topic, I digress yet again, damn you circular thought)

The fact I am also a well thought of teacher at his high school maybe contributing to the force of his rebellion and need for independence. It is hard for me to understand as the eldest child of 6 to live in a shadow and I know that this cannot be easy for him either. I see even in the disgusted sneers he hurls at me a bit of regret and longing when I hurl my acid tongue at him after a hurtful moment in defense, “I know you hate me now but if you could just be civil we might have something left to repair after you grow up.”

So I guess it will take time, patience and understanding and remembering my little buddy and our forays into the farmer’s markets when he was my moon and stars. And I will take comfort in the fact that all my hard learned lessons could be so much worse and like my Mom said this too shall pass and when they have children smile because you know that soon he will finally get you and you can then be just a little smug as his 16 year old decides he no longer needs to orbit his universe.  

Tom at 16 in Ireland this summer. 

Jack's video.

Often Jack is attacked by the self confidence game of quicksand. I am awful at this, I am the worst, no one will ever love me, I will never have a boy friend, no one likes me, I have no friends,  I am the worst skater Yada Yada Yada. It maybe part of his age and it maybe part of who he is part filled with self doubt somedays  and mister self confidence the others. I hope as he grows he will have more I am confident days. I worry though that faced with junior high it will be quite the struggle. He is too bright to play the mind game of self confidence building with because he can argue an apple into thinking it is an orange. He will be one heck of a prosecuting or corporate lawyer. I can foresee this talent of verbal sparring turning into a highly profitable career if the whole gold medal winning olympic skater does not work out.
So his father has decided to let Jack make these little videos. This is his creation, he picked the pictures and the descriptions. It is an idea that allows him to create on video what he sees in his mind. (This could be scary.) I will be posting these on occasion  just so I can talk a little about them and how I hope this will boost his self confidence.
As a parent I struggle not just with the obvious difficulties of raising a child in today's society but arming Jack with confidence and coping skills keep strong against so many haters I find out there for LGBT individuals. As part of several groups that support and vote for rights for those we love in the LGBT community, I am always looking for new ways to arm my child make him safe to be who he is and confident that he is and always will be loved. I am just hoping these little videos help build a strong confident young man.

Know Thyself ... gift or curse?

“Know Thyself to be wise, the unexamined life is not worth living.”

To understand and know yourself is a completely ongoing process for me but seems for my Jack he seems to understand himself and the world around him more clearly than most adults and it makes me wonder; is his gift of self-awareness a gift or a curse?

As a parent you go through so many emotions on a daily basis in no particular order and on random repeat:  joy, sadness, doubt, angst, frustration, anger, loneliness, dread, fear and astonishment. Jack has the talent of taking his observations and distilling them down to profound little glib quips that make me breathless. The most soul shaking was when he was about 3 maybe 4 and he looked up at me and said, “I waited a long time for you to be my Mommy.” This left me dumbfounded. Had this little imp been waiting for me or have I been waiting for him?

He exasperates me daily and many times he is the most incessant being either in constant motion or constant speech. My Dad a kind, soft and profound little Irishman, said to me one day after spending an afternoon with my young son and his namesake Jack, “You know it is a wonder that he just doesn’t collapse after all his talking.”

So when my husband took Jack for a father/son bike ride then a movie, I was more than happy to welcome the silence, solitude and time to catch up on the 15 tons of laundry my family has managed to accumulate this week.  Somewhere between the 3^rd load of towels and a first pass through Mount filthy whites my men returned. I asked my little man Jack how was the film; he gave me a thumbs up and ran off to play in his homemade Tardis and Dalek in the basement. (Doctor Who references) My husband came in and I asked him how he survived the day. He was happy and thought that Rio was one of the best-animated features he had seen. He then went on to explain a bit about the movie how many of the featured cartoons were grounded in little love stories about the animated animals. He then explained how after the film he had asked Jack how he liked the movie. Apparently Jack had a lump in his throat and said it was an okay movie but asked rhetorically why all the characters in love in the film had to be straight? Upon retelling this, my husband’s head hung low and was a bit overcome with emotion. As I type this, I too am filled with mixed emotions and some sorrow about isolation for my Jack.  I get that Disney or Pixar is not ready nor is society willing to introduce openly gay cartoon characters so my kid can relate but… even with my sense of adult understanding about the media’s need to feed the masses entertainment that is accepted by most of society, I am saddened that my little boy will not see anything he can relate to about falling in love or give him a film he can watch over and over and fall in love just as the characters did. I cannot tell you how many times I watched, Cinderella,  Ice Castles and Ladyhawke and imagined myself in the roles of the leading ladies with the handsome men swooping me away.  This kind of breaks my heart a bit. I know things are changing and with Glee and Modern Family. There is hope and Jack watches these and feels connected. So there is some bright light at the end of the tunnel for him.

It just makes me wonder about his sense of self, intelligence, confidence and courage to be Jack. Although his self-understanding is a wondrous thing it can come at a high cost to his happiness. When I was a little girl the concept of self-perception and societal judgment was never a worry for me. I could see me reflected positively in society in the bedtime stories, movies and books I read. These children were like me and I know I felt comfort in being part of the club. Jack is not in this club, he often tells me how he feels alone and no one is like him and he is worried he will never find another person like himself ever. He is sure he is the only openly gay little boy in our town and already even before junior high school is isolated.  Even though I have surrounded him by many of my friends and family who are homosexual and tell Jack things are better the older you get, I worry about his isolation. His intelligence is a gift; his self-awareness is a gift and he is my gift. 

Raising Jack

Raising Jack:

He bounded into the house on Saturday morning filled with glee, “Mom, Mom, Mom! Look what I got from Diane’s garage sale!” Without a hint of any self-consciousness he proudly and carefully laid out his dollar and 2 dollar purchases and treasures from the free bin. His treasures included: cat-style reading glasses (sadly without rhinestones), a Mary Kay make-up mirror with case, a black velvet spaghetti strap cocktail dress and a pair of black slide mule medium heels. He immediately disrobed and slipped the dress on and was a tad disappointed to see that the straps were too long and needed to be shortened in order to make it a perfect fit. The begging for instant alterations commenced. I promised to fix it and his smile returned. Jack has worn the shoes every day since getting them at the garage sale and asks me is the dress done yet?

As a Mom I am torn.  I am so happy and so proud that Jack has the confidence and courage to be who he is. He is my Jack, my wild imagination boy who has always preferred girl toys and dress up. I am also grateful that he knows he is loved and perfect just the way he is and is safe. I have done my job giving him personal security, love and support. What worries me is how others will see my sweet, highly imaginative, intelligent and creative child. Jack knows he is different. He is no fool to criticism and stings from others that do not accept him for Jack. Even at the tender age of 10, he has to check the crowd before he speaks and this breaks my heart. I am so saddened by the lack of support and understanding and the narrow-minded people that believe it is okay to pass judgment so freely on my son and myself.  

Jack is who he is. He has always been Jack, always will be and was born with a gifted mind and engaging personality. He is talented, bright and true gift to our family as all children are to their parents and families. Raising gay, lesbian or transgendered children today is by far a much easier job than in years past. Many people are more accepting and can offer insight helping us as parents raise confident, caring, productive, and happy members of society. Even with all the advancements, it is still a heart wrenching process. I struggle with worry about Jack being accepted and finding love and a partner more than I do about my other son who is straight. I want the same things for both my wonderful boys but know Jack’s road although easier than in years past will be harder. He will face scorn, bullying and teasing at a higher rate than my eldest. He will be a target at school just for who he is and will face a higher chance of depression and suicide rate in his coming years. He will be the object of hate and distain from overtly religious groups including our own church and faith. He will be faced with legal issues for partnerships his married brother will not have to face. His life at 10 is already different and a bit lonelier than his older brother. He at 10 has been the object of hate, threats, bullying and the object of ridicule and distain from his classmates, teachers and from his own grandparents. He already although loved by my Mother has been ridiculed for his choices of clothing, toys or Disney movies to watch. When he tries to show his Grammy something he thinks is wonderful but highly feminine she will with her words be supportive but with her facial expression be somewhat filled with distain and a bit disgusted. He notices and feels the rejection and I can see the hurt in his eyes. Believe it or not she has come a long way. In the beginning she accused me of being too accepting and being a bad mother because I needed to remove or discourage any thing feminine with him and change him.   (this is another blog for another day I digress )

So as I struggle to be a better parent, teacher and member of the society, I make this wish in the vapors of the blogosphere. Be kind, be aware and remember judge not least you be judged because it is from loving and acceptance in others we find love and acceptance for our own self. How you treat others is a reflection of what you think about yourself.

Am I a better parent?

Am I a better parent?

I guess I believed with each generation we gain more experience and education. Learning from our collective past is supposed to be an evolutionary advantage of our species. This I hope has lead me to a deeper and more enlightened parenting style. I can dream. I hear stories from my Mom how she was treated as a child and how my Gram was treated and how my Great grandmother sacrificed all for her son’s future and I wonder am I doing the best I can?

When my Mom was growing up she dreamed of college and being more. My Gram worked hard and raised my Mom to have confidence and educated her at good private schools for elementary and high school. When it came time for my Mom to go to college she was accepted into a wonderful Catholic College called Mundelein in Chicago. She worked hard for a years to afford the tuition and put every cent she made into a savings account. Being the trusting daughter and needing a second name on the account she placed her mother’s name on her account. She was filled with hope and promise for her bright future. She heard stories from her Grandmother Anna of how Anna had been hand picked by a local doctor to be a nurse but her parents pulled her out of school and said that she was needed to be the cook for all the farm hands and the family. Anna’s hopes of a less subservient life were dashed and she never graduated from High School and was trapped. She instilled in my mother the desire to educate one’s self. 

When the time came to enroll for classes, she filled out the forms and quit her position at the Johnson and Johnson factory where she measured the circumferences of cotton balls monitoring quality control and the machines. This must have been a mind-numbing task. First day of classes rolled around and she got her text books, paid the first installment of the tuition with her hard earned saving and set off for a new path and a bright future. Classes exceeded her hopes. New doors were being opened everyday for this blue-collar working class woman. She would not only be the first woman to graduate from High School but the first woman to graduate from College. All the new ideas and knowledge not only fed her mind but her soul. She loved learning and still does. After the first month, the second installment of her tuition was due. She went to the bank to get the money and was horrified by the sight of her account balance. Apparently her mother went to the bank and cleaned out the account except for a measly 10 dollars required to keep the account open. Panic filled her heart. How was she going to pay for school and how could her mother do this?

Scared and confused she retuned home and confronted her mother with the passbook. My Gram a good woman on many levels but a selfish small person on more, responded with indignation. “Why are you angry? You live in this house rent-free, eat my food and have for 18 years. It is only fair you contribute. I needed the money and my name was on the account.” My Mother was shocked and dumbstruck by the cold calculation dash to her dreams of a better future. Then the final blow which still stings her today, my Gram delivered the final stake in her heart, “You are probably going to just get married and have kids and stay home anyway, what do you need a college education for? What!?! You think you are better than me?”

My Mother was wounded beyond belief. Not only did her mother not believe in her enough to ask her for the money, which she would have given open heart if it was needed, but her Mother was in competition with her and thought by educating her daughter beyond her, she would somehow disintegrate her own self worth. It was a devastating blow to my mother who continued to attend classes until the administration had to pull her out of one of her classes and ask her to leave since she could no longer afford the tuition. I asked my Mother why she did not explain it to the monks and ask for assistance, she told me she was too embarrassed by her poverty and betrayal of her mother.

My Mother did after some hard work and odd jobs and transfer to 2 more colleges manage to get her bachelors degree and become a teacher. Yes, she did get married and stay home to have 6 kids and raise us all to become productive members of society but most importantly she taught all of us that an education is a valuable asset to have and no matter what the road blocks. She instilled the desire to fight for your dream. They may betray you, leave you, take your job/money and your house but no one can ever remove a good education from your heart and soul.

This story haunts me as a parent and I use this lesson and story sometimes to my own detriment. I may sacrifice a bit of my own self for the hopes and dreams of my children but in a completely stage mom way I love watching both of them soar higher and shine brighter than I ever could.

The Planet of Jack

The Planet of Jack:

Jack, my 10 year old, has spent winter break at Hogwarts, Mount Olympus and on the imaginary stages of Auditoriums across the nation. When Jack is into something he is totally there mind, body and imagination. I love how his mind works and how it saturates all things. He has been reading, watching and playing Harry Potter for most of the break. He has researched wands on-line and found a wand maker website and then proceeded with gps missile guided accuracy found the only rosewood wand on sale. We have ordered his wand from Alivans and he checks the mail and watches the sky for owls. He and his friends across the street, Meredith’s daughter Olivia and now her step-sister and step-brother Helena and Thomas, have spent more than 3 days running around the neighborhoods in robes, scarves and wands, dueling and battling evil. He has made his own potter puppet pals and written scripts for his performances. He recorded them on the photobooth and flip camera and has performed for us in the front room.  He confided in me last night, as I was putting him to bed, how nervous he was for his 11^th birthday and how he was not sure he was ready to go to a boarding school even if he got an invite from Hagrid. I nodded and reassured him if he was going to be asked he would be ready. I marvel at how his mind works and how fully engaged he is in imagination and creativity. I marvel at his wonderment and gleeful play. I hope even as he grows, he never loses his creativity or full engagement of his activities, work and play.  I know someday that Peter Pan Jack and the planet of Jack may dim because life beats a bit of the wonderment and joy out of it but I am hoping for a little time longer I can continue to visit the planet of Jack because it seems like an amazing place and I would be all too sad to see it disappear from my world. 

I am a stage Mom

Vicarious living is not beneath me. I somehow thought that being educated and watching all those parents hollering at sports and sitting in audiences doing the same dance moves, mouthing the words to songs sung or executing the notes of a song on a band instrument was something I was never ever going to do. I would allow my children to follow their passions without reliving my own glory or lack of said glory days. Since I am a Mom of only boys I thought I was somewhat insulated from this behavior. This was a great theory. My metal has been tested this year and I found I am not titanium but aluminum foil. My wonderful unique child Jack has once again wiped all my self-delusions away with one single swipe of his toe pick.  He first made me full puffed out chest proud by placing 3^rd in his first figure skating competition. This was something I could only dream of when I was a figure skater. Then last night he took the ice with confidence and grace well beyond his 10 years and skated a Christmas program he nailed down in less than a month. He was and is more than I ever could be on the ice and all I wanted to be. I left the figure skating world at 17 after years of efforts and lessons at a level he will soon surpass in less than one year.  Every time he takes the ice my heart soars and my childhood dreams of being Dorothy Hamill or Peggy Fleming are now in the fabric of his dreams of being Johnny Weir or Evan Lysacek. I guess at some level we all have the lives we live, the lives we wish we lived and the live we are grateful we are not living. Jack is giving me a taste of wishful living again.

Zen life moment in a sea of Choas

I wrote this 3 years ago after I attended my first "band concert"for my son Tom. My day today was very similar to this same day 3 years ago. Tonight he is performing in the Jazz band and concert band after a terrible bout of the stomach flu over the last 2 days. The show must go on. So here is to my wonderful 15 year old developing musician. Break a leg.

Okay so I survived the 7th grade band concert. There are times in your life that are true Zen in the moment kind of episodes. Last night was one of them.

Typical rat race kind of day, whiny kids in the am, sick coughing hacking spouse, work stress  and then…

the end of the day shuffle begins…

(Tap to any square dance music.)

Pack up the office

make the calls

pick up the kids

pacify the kids

make the supper

check on the kids and homework

(refrain: )

gather the spawn

pacify the spawn

pacify the husband

run circles around the mommy.

Feed the dog

Feed the spawn

Feed the Hubby

Clean up the dishes

Start a load of laundry

Ready the troops for outing. (repeat refrain)

gather the spawn

pacify the spawn

pacify the husband

run circles around the mommy.

Okay so the Zen moment after the running of the day. I sat for the first time in the evening. There I sat in a school auditorium and saw my 12 year old enter the stage right sit down and play the cornet. His adolescent long fingers moved seamless over the instrument. The music was like millions of other band concerts around the world uneven but filled with pride and earnest abilities. He was focused and looked good and more importantly sounded good. I had a self-realization. This was my kid. My spawn. If I had done anything I did this good thing. I was there. I was tired Mom watching her child perform in his first real band concert, I was in the moment. Nothing else mattered: the other spawn fidgeting next to me, the coughing hacking anxiety riddled spouse, the job, the dirty house, the bills, the bad choices in my life and the good ones. It was all here, all now focused on my curly haired little man who is now my curly haired bigger little man. To me this boy will forever be the little naked baby running through the house with his cowboy boots and Stetson. Tonight though he was my star, my reason for being and my joy and my true life Zen moment.

The Value and Meaning of Education:

“Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.”
 Wiliam Butler Yeats

As a teacher I spend quite a bit of my day working with young minds trying to inspire children to discover material and open up to new concepts.  I guess I am trying to understand where the joy of discovery has been beaten out of the students. Now this next statement is going to make me sound very ancient, but I remember a time when back in my day, when the process of working through a problem and getting the right answer was somewhat exhilarating. There was pride in doing it by myself and not having someone spoon-feed me the answer like I was an infant. It was a sign of maturity and self-sufficiency to be able to problem solve and do it myself. Many times when I am struggling with a student who wants material spoon-fed, I tell them they are regressing backward.  It seems like sometime my toddler nieces and nephews have more drive than many of the general students I have in class.

It disheartens me to see young minds full of promise want only immediate feed back. Their favorite line when I ask them to look it up is, "but you know the answer". I normally reply that if I tell you, you will only write it down and promptly forget it but if you work for it you will remember it and if you teach it to someone else you will know it forever. (They hate this and now by the end of the semester often quote this to other students who ask.)  They find no joy in the this electronic age of immediacy to go about researching something and discover it on their own or work through a problem set. I miss seeing the glint in their eyes when they see something unique and novel in the laboratory. I also want to say I hate the sentence, “I AM BORED.” coming from my own children. I always repeat what my Grandmother would say to us, “Nothing is boring but boring people with no imagination.” Then she would promptly put us to work.

I have to say part of the problem we educators create is the belief in the almighty work sheet and vocabulary lists. The lack of vigor in elementary and junior high school science is appalling.  I have AP Biology students who have never ever done a single laboratory. It horrifies me that my students have been denied the joy of watching seeds sprout, terrariums flourish, cells breathe and chemicals react until I get them at 14 or 15 years of age. My Mom was amazing! We were constantly sent outside to discover, catch turtles, frogs and fireflies. Even in the city streets of Chicago we were allowed to have a small garden and watched the fruits of our labor make it to our table. We wandered the neighborhood cemeteries of Chicago on adventures read grave stones and came back with dozens of questions for my Grandmother and Mother. May times she would talk about the great famine in Ireland and the flu epidemic. The discovery of antibiotics and how when my Mom was a little girl almost died because all they had were sulfa drugs and she has rheumatic fever as a child. It was an amazing adventure in story time not just family history but in science and culture and society. Everything and everyone had a story and it involved all subjects we were taught in school. It was magical to my young mind. 

I really believe it is not just the electronic age that is the blame but it is the lack of challenge and discovery we offer to and demand of our children. We have over scheduled and over organized our child’s lives and limited their playtime and discovery opportunities. I know I am guilty of this. We need to make an effort to at times to, un-schedule, turn off and go out. Don’t be that parent I see all too often with their children in a restaurant, at the movies, in a park and on their phone. Turn it off!!! Engage children and yourself and it will have a more profound effect on your child’s imagination and your fulfillment of time with your children.  Make not just learning but the discovery of knowledge an important part of your parenting, intelligence and the drive to discover is the real gift you give to a child. This world with all it’s troubles needs creative thinkers who can problem solve. We need individuals who not only are knowledgeable but are able to search and discover new ideas. It is not only amazing to see your child succeed but it is more amazing and powerful to see them struggle, discover and succeed beyond not only your wildest dreams but theirs.

"It is in fact a part of the function of education to help us escape, not from our own time -- for we are bound by that -- but from the intellectual and emotional limitations of our time.
" T.S. Eliot

I am the Axis and it is killing my back.

Atlas Farnase: Museo Archeologico Nazionale in Naples, Italy

So I have been meaning to do this for sometime now and have to say I have taken advantage of staying home with a sick son to begin my what I hope is a daily activity.

So my ramblings for the day ... mom spotlight.

Much of my days I realize I am not the center of the universe but I am an integral part of my universe. I found this out this week in 2 major ways.

Example 1:

Background givens: I am the time keeper and the gatekeeper of all that happens in this house for the most part. I have sadly enabled my husband 2 boys and my students.

I have always been under the assumption (some say delusion) that if I am hit by a truck some how the males in my house and my students could cope and get the basic daily things accomplished. WRONG! This Tuesday I had to be in the classroom to prep a huge lab I was teaching so off I went after I tried to wake the sleeping family before 7am. I fed the dog, laid out clothes for the youngest and went to school with a sinking feeling something was going to go wrong and no one would get out of bed without the Motherly nagging. Well I was 1/2 right. Somehow my youngest got up; bless his sweet little Jackie heart and got his dad to take him to school. Sadly the 15 year old was not so lucky. While I finally sat down after prepping the lab in the classroom at 9 am I decided to call the 15 year old to make sure he was walking to school for the late arrival day. His voice told the whole story. His groggy stunned, "Hello" instantly clued me into this was not his are you walking to school call but his wake up call. Nice! Apparently his dad just thought the lump of covers in his bed were just a lump and he was already at school so while he blissfully read his papers on the sofa drinking his coffee he was unaware of the slumbering teen who will either have to use light speed to make it on time to school or be late and end up with a detention. Happy end ... the 15 year old has superpower light speed and made his stunned father drive him at warp speed to school.

example 2: My sweet Jackie greeted my on Thursday morning before 6 am with the dreaded phrase that sends chills into a mother's soul, "I don't feel good, Mom, my stomach feels weird..." As I rush him into the bathroom removing the thermometer with the speed of a Ninja the stomach acid bile reverse mechanism we all know and dread kicks into gear. After cleaning up (I'll save the details to your imagination) I had to kick into super speed. Not only do I have to call in sick to work but since I am a teacher I have to make sure my 125 students have something to do so they are not wandering the halls of the high school causing chaos without my supervision. I hand the mantle and lysol to my second in command the hubby and drive to school before 6:30am. I make plans and set up for the substitute in record time and make it back home in time to help Jack one more time.

So lesson learned from the last week just in case I do get hit by the Mack Truck/Bus or Lightening. I better make back up lesson plans for the classroom and have it on my desk in an in case of emergency break glass case and buy the boys their own alarm clocks and show them how to program it. Also and most importantly maybe for short periods my little universe does revolve around me but I am the axis on which it pivots.