Well the dust has settled and it has taken most of the weekend and one hell of a shopping trip to Target to move beyond the uber-bitch that inhabited me all weekend.
This long settle in made me ponder why do we always carry the negatives with us longer than the positives? Let me elaborate… Okay so you see someone, they tell you your look nice today or thank you for assisting them with something. You return the smile and within an hour the sweetness that came with that moment is forgotten and daily life continues. Now someone criticizes you, makes you feel small and you incorporate this in your fabric of your being for days weeks even.
What is up with that? What kind of flaw do I have as a person that the negatives so often over power the positives and hearing a bash of myself is so much heavier that it out weighs any and all positives I have for that day? Why cannot I be like that dude with the self-inflated ego and narcissism that allows him to think that anyone who does not get him, as a next to a divine creature is absurd and a moron?
What flaw is in my fabric of this gene code that makes me less? Is there some form a recessive dufus gene I carry? Is a there doormat or low self esteem epistatic control over all brain function?
I have struggled for years to try to care less about what others see me as but in fact it is a total veil of lies. I care! I hate it when others see me as not good enough and not all I should be or should have been. I mean I still really care less about what others think I look like because I am pretty comfortable about my appearance even on my slug days but what people think of me as a person really matters.
Maybe it boils down to acceptance. To be accepted is one of the greatest drives in all of us and I guess this high school outcast and fringer is still in search of her in crowd. Maybe that is why the outsider shows ie Buffy, Angel, Firefly, The Office, Dresden and countless others have appealed to me and stuck with me so much.
I guess I will always be a dork and a fringer. Maybe the line from Buffy is true… High School is never really over.
You're a Catholic, a Celt and a woman. Your self-esteem takes a hit on all three counts. You want very much to be a good person but doubt that you will ever be good enough(Catholicism); all Celts carry a dark burden of oppression (as someone with a significant strain of Scots and Welsh in my background, I know I do); women always have to qualify 150% to have access to the level playing field. Will we be good enough? Will people value us enough? Will God accept us?
ReplyDeleteSuch a true state Janelle. I constantly feel I have something to prove and need to dig out of something. Personal baggage is some times too heavy for me to carry every day. I wish the airlines would lose it sometimes instead of my clothes.
ReplyDeleteBoy do I get this! I must be a part of these gene pool too.
ReplyDeleteThe "Am I Good Enough?" syndrome.