Struggling faith.

Had an amazing day with my first period ladies of AP Biology. After we had a wrap up for a bacterial transformation from normal E. coli. to an ampicillin resistant strain of E. coli. Some of the ladies sat down with me and we started chatting about life and many things. Somehow the subject turned to how the students had trouble identifying me as a Catholic since I seemed more open minded than they had thought Catholics were. It got me thinking and It took me a moment to digest what they said. I said that I was more the norm of modern day American Catholic than they would really believe. I have told them so many stories they know quite a bit about me and may background and my kids. I figure an open book gets looked at more than a closed one so I tend to be an open person. 

I told them that being Catholic for me at this point is more like being Irish or from Chicago it is part of my personal history and who I am. It has shaped my life and thoughts and for the most part provided a good guide for my life. I just happened to be raised by educated parents who believed in a good education and allowed questioning and debate. Many of my instructors were Jesuits, Franciscan and Benedictine monks and Dominican sisters. They are the thinkers, scientists and teachers of the Catholics. These people helped shaped me more as a person than indoctrinated me into a cult. My teachers always told me to question meant growth in faith and your being. Normal periods of disbelief can lead to deeper understanding and devotion. I was allowed in my 16 years of Catholic education to take classes on Judaism, “The anthropological beginnings of God.”,  the Philosophy of atheism and Historical and cultural implications of Religion.  Maybe I had a unique education but I was taught to value all faiths as a way to being a good person.

 Sure I had my exposure to fire and brimstone and the thought of limbo and purgatory scared the crap out of me but lately that nice old man in Rome in the robes and tall hat decided we did not need limbo anymore and babies who died before they were baptized did go to heaven. That last statement also typifies how I feel about the hierarchy of the Catholic Church. Okay so he is supposed to be the spiritual leader that gets his messages inspired by God blah blah blah… Really? or was that just something Constantine or some other historical figure whose names evades me at the moment, made up so the uneducated would follow and have a leader?

I guess what I am trying to get at for this still sometimes practicing Catholic, is that I am struggling. I have an uncle, brother-in-law, numerous friends and son who is gay, the man I know and studied named Jesus was more about embracing and loving and accepting than condemnation. So I continue to struggle to try to fit the Church into my life and accept the good and not throw the baby out with the bath water. I try to forgive as the stories about that wonderful man told to me about forgiveness and turning the other cheek when I read about the abuse of children under their protection. I try to reconcile my hatred for the priest who told me that losing my babies was the will of God and I should pray to be healed. I find that I always go back to the fact that what bothers me most about the Church is the human nature of it not the deity.  Wasn’t that there whole passage about ... judge not least you be judged thing? Didn’t Jesus have trouble with the hierarchy as well?

I struggle with finding the right balance of love of the ritual and voodoo (rosary beads, saints and candles FYI) for comfort and the sometimes-harsh mixed messages I get from the hierarchy. Sure I wish there was a magic wand of God I could pray for and get my 3 wishes but that kind of child like faith is long gone. So I have gotten lucky, I found a church run by Franciscans who are warm caring devoted men who serve from the heart and soul. They meet the needs of all people with kindness and compassion and open their hearts like that guy Jesus we all seem to come back to and I have found a home. Faith is like a family we have disagreements, arguments, periods where we do not speak but at the base of it there is love. For this cafeteria Catholic I put more love on my tray than the rule book of hate and narrowness. I struggle and question and just like I cannot deny my Irishness I cannot deny my Catholicism and belief .  There is a great quote from most likely a poster I had on my wall in college. “You can turn from me but I will never leave your side.” I sure hope there is some truth in this.